Love so Hard it Hurts: Meet Karter

Karter is my incredible 1 year old (almost 1 1/2 year old) that came to me in a dark hour and single handedly taught me how to fall in love again. 

You see, I’m a planner.  Not only am I a planner, but I’m a planner that lacks balance.  I need agendas.  I need spreadsheets.  I need organization.  I’ve known about these quirks for a long time, but what I didn’t know was that I most desperately needed Karter Kaye – an unexpected gift from someone with far bigger plans than my own

Let me explain.  After Jordan’s birth injury, I fell into an untreated state of depression.  I can share it now, because I lived it.  When I was living it, I refused to share it.  I didn’t get help.  I’m not sure if I didn’t think I deserved help or was just afraid to move on and risk forgetting where we were – but regardless, I stayed overweight, sad, and lonely for far too long.  I reached a point where I felt like I was starting to move on.  Things were starting to feel different.  I had a different energy.  And then it hit me.  May 12th, 2010.  There’s always something big on May 12th – and holy smokes, I must be pregnant.  (Check out the post “May 12th, never just another day” for more May 12th events!)

I hope that one day Karter will understand, but  I can’t remember EVER being as scared as I was the moment that I “passed” that test.  I kept asking myself how I could ever love anyone as much as I love Jordan.  It seemed unfair to both of them.  I thought I would never achieve any balance.  Those fears continued through my pregnancy, but there are 2 people I credit for pulling me through.  (1) Dr. VS.  She was the complete opposite of what I thought I needed in a doctor.  I was so scared.  I kept replaying the horror Jordan’s birth story in my head.  I thought what I wanted was an over-experienced gray haired man that couldn’t possibly make a mistake.  But when Dr. VS asked me about my Jordan-scar at my first appointment and handed me a tissue, something felt right with her.  And it was.  She helped me to get through the stuff in my head, she allowed me to cry through entire appointments, and she answered every unfounded question that I came up with.  And at the end of the day, she prayed for our family, was a great doctor with every “i” dotted and “t” crossed, and she helped bring us Karter Kaye.  With another doctor, I might not have survived that pregnancy.  (2) Karter Kaye herself.  As it turns out, loving her has been easy since day 1!  Holding her has always felt right!  She just, feels good.  She has a cheesy smile that makes me giggle.  She has a heart that makes me smile.  She taught me to love again.  And my world has been so much brighter with her in it!  On her first birthday, riding in the car with Jared, we talked about all that she had done for us, just by being her.  She is truly like an angel – my angel.  She saved me and made this family better.  I hope one day that she’ll understand that she was no accident, she was quite simply, the greatest gift.  And to answer my fears, I don’t love my girls the same.  I love them very differently, but I love them just as much.  But don’t tell Karter… she’s going through a stage where she wants to be my one and only love…!

A lot of time has passed since I took that pregnancy test.  Once an independent baby that wanted nothing more than to be left to bounce in her bouncy chair, Karter is now making up for lost time!  She LOVES her mama.  She loves me so much, that she will do ANYTHING to get into my arms.  Karter doesn’t walk yet.  She doesn’t pull herself up yet – unless I put her in the bathtub and walk out of the room.  The moment I do, up she stands!  Just like that.  Girl can get a good enough grip in the bathtub to stand.  She loves me so much that she forgets how much she hates to stand.  In a lot of ways, that one will my baby forever.  It seems that we both agree on that!  And I’m not complaining.  She will always feel so right in my arms.

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